The Top Ten Ways To Amuse Yourself In Korea

Korean Adventurer (May 3, 2002 Chautauqua)

The Top 10 Ways to Amuse Yourself In Korea

This list was sent to me by my friend, Blondie. It provides some insights about what life in general is like over here.

10.) Play chicken with cars on the sidewalk. This is a fairly common occurrence. Koreans park just about anywhere they damn well please. Cars, motorcycles, and bikes take advantage of any opening anywhere, road or sidewalk, to beat the traffic. I remember walking home from the store the other night, and I heard an engine behind me. I was almost up to a space between two other parked vehicles, and I didn't bother moving aside, as I thought the space was too small for the following vehicle to pass through. I was startled to hear the motor continue close behind me. I looked, and was confronted with the smallest car I have ever seen. It gave new meaning to the word "compact".

9.)Order Steak and Potato with Fiddleheads at EVERY Korean restaurant. I'm not exactly sure what this means, as I've not had this particular delicacy. I think it makes reference to the fact that "fiddleheads" can make you sick if you're not careful. It's not really funny, as there was a story in the "Korean Herald" last week, saying that the food in six different fast food chains (KFC and McDonald's among them) had tested positive for staph infections in the foods. Bad news for westerners who do not like Korean food.

8.) While sitting in a public spot, pretend to catch a fly with chopsticks. Celebrate loudly. Koreans are intensely interested in everything we westerners do, and do not hesitate to stare when they so you. They also like to examine the contents of your shopping basket. It's nothing hostile, just innocent curiosity.

7.) When something is said by one Korean to another that is slightly amusing, laugh hysterically. Don't stop. Well, this is just plain mean. Hee hee hee.

6.) Stand outside a Korean electronics store where the TVs are playing. Pretend to understand every word. Again, just mean. The kids in my school get very excited when I display any knowledge of their language, and it is difficult to stop them from testing me, and turn the lesson back to learning English.

5.) Remind a Korean man that he is short. Do this repeatedly. Be prepared for an a** kicking. It's true that there are a lot of short people here, but they are also very thin. One of the first things that struck me when I returned home last year was how many obese people there were, myself included. Most Koreans like to get out and do some regular physical activity, for which they should be commended. Also, there are quite a few who are as tall, if not taller than some westerners.

4. Convince them that both of your parents are Korean (oh yes, it can be done). The trick to arguing with Koreans is to remain calm at all times. Once you lose your temper, you've lost the argument.

3.) Wear Japanese flags. The Koreans really are very touchy when it comes to anything Japanese. A person who makes a reference to the "Sea of Japan" will be provided with the correct title, the "East Sea". There has always been some tension in their relations. Last year it was some textbooks, approved for use in Japanese schools, that did not deal adequately with Japan's conquests and behaviour during it's Imperial phase. It only just got smoothed over when the Japanese premier paid a visit to the shrine for Japanese war dead. Some of those memorialized are considered war criminals over here, and the visit has cast a pall over the upcoming joint Japanese/Korean hosting of the World Cup.

2.) Go to the cinema. After the preview for a Korean film, pump your fists in the air and yell, "I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THAT!". Actually, there have been some very good films made here recently. A few years back, a film called "JSA" won an Academy Award for best foreign film. It was a tense thriller about a South Korean soldier accused of murdering some North Korean counterparts. Another film, called "Friends", dealt with four rookie firemen that featured some thrilling firefighting scenes.

1.) Fix something. It always seems like there is something to be done when foreigners move into their (school-supplied) apartment. Usually, it's fairly simple to make it seem homey. My friends and I have managed to make our places comfy enough to be a close substitute for "home". We are convinced that we are the only ones to take the time and trouble. Some of the people we've had as room-mates have been less than...clean. Oh well, it takes all kinds, I guess.

Anyway, there is a lot more to tell about life in Korea. I hope I have not rambled on too long, and I hope you look forward to the next installment. Until then, anyong assayo (Peace be with you).
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Ask Flint about the shopping basket thing, and then duck.
My description of the movie "Friends" is erroneous. It's actually about four Koreans who grew up in Busan. One became a cop and another became a criminal, with tragic results.
I remember helping Mick and Jane clean an apartment after another teacher had left. The filth was indescribable. I remember scrubbing layers of grime off of the tile in the bathroom and wondering how anyone could stand it.

Costco Mooks

I went to Costco today to pick up the usual load of groceries, and had to deal with the usual load of mooks. It's my own fault for not getting up earlier. Flint and I would always show up at 10 when they opened in order to be in and out before the place was overrun.
There was plenty of parking spaces at that time, too. There was also plenty of parking spaces when we left, but damned if the mooks weren't parked anywhere and everywhere. Especially in the travel lanes, making them as narrow as they possibly could. What did they care, the fucking mooks?
I remember one time we went there in the middle of the day. I was surprised we got out of there with as little pain as we did. And we didn't have to kill hardly anyone!
Today there were a couple of Koreans ahead of me in the checkout line. The girl was a typically useless Korean female, who had a purse hanging from one arm, rendering it useless for moving the groceries from the cart to the conveyer belt. She would try and grab something and move it, but all she could do was sort of push or pull at it vaguely until the guy picked it up for her. I suppose she could've put the bag down and used two arms, but... I don't know, it didn't seem to occur to her.
Then there was the guy and his wife that I kept meeting coming the other way. You know when you're going up and down the aisles and you constantly meet someone going in the opposite direction? It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't constantly park their cart in front of the exact thing I wanted every single damn time!
These mooks topped off my experience just as I was leaving. I was coming back to my car after dropping off my cart, and there they were, in between my car and theirs, loading stuff into their side door. I got into my car, started the engine, and waited for them to get out of the way. They unloaded half their stuff, finally "noticed" me, and waved at me to go. Without moving themselves or their cart from in between the vehicles.
What the kimchi?
Since when is that safe practice? I shook my head. I eventually had to wait for them to finish unloading everything and get out of the way before I could move.
Fucking mooks.

Mook of the Week

Ah, delivery mooks. They are a dime a dozen in South Korea but sometimes they can still make you shake your head at their mookishness.

I was heading out to Road King one night and had to grab a cab. Usually, I get one at an intersection near my apartment. On one corner is a great seafood restaurant. Great, but it does seem to attract mooks. The urinating mook from last year was a patron there. In the summer there are usually a group of mooks outside drunk and mooking it up.

It also attracts delivery mooks. This guy was delivering some fish and shellfish to them and just had to park halfway out into the street. I suppose he could blame it on the mook who parked in the crosswalk and prevented him from parking there. After all, mooks don't usually accept responsibility.

So he parks with the ass end of his truck blocking one lane and almost into the second lane of the street blocking the crosswalk at the same time. He was there the whole time I was waiting to get a cab, about 15 minutes, and showed no sign of leaving then. It was hard to see a cab coming since you couldn't see down the street.

What a mook.

Mook Of The Week

When Koreans move house, it is quite a sight. There are two vehicles involved. One is the van with all the furniture, etc., and the other is a lift which can reach as high as the top of a 15-20 story apartment building. The movers load as much stuff as they can onto a platform that goes shooting up into the air, to be unloaded through the window into the "balcony."
I say "balcony," because most Korean apartments have a storage space/laundry room where you and I expect a balcony. It seems very strange to me to waste the area that would provide a view of the outside world.
But then most Koreans seem to close off their windows rather than open them up. Businesses cover them with signage, like my hagwon. Instead of a big window, my students and I get to look at the reverse side of "CIA."

But anyway, the mook that we're looking at this week is the driver of the moving van parked squarely in the only travel lane available to anyone who wanted to use this road. The driver and his two children were milling around in front of the truck, selfishly oblivious to the bottleneck they had thus provided.

I had first seen this truck from the rear, at the far end of the street. As I approached I thought surely he must move before I got there, but no. He was still there by the time I had passed on up the street to my con-apt, about the same distance the other way as when I had first sighted the vehicle. The driver and his kids were still milling around, seemingly wothout a care in the world, and still selfishly oblivious to the world around them.
What a mook!

What The... Parking Ticket?!

Yes, I actually received a parking ticket in Korea. It's my second parking ticket, as a matter of fact. I always wonder why and how Korean police hand out parking tickets. What criteria do they use? Whimsy? Flint and I have spent many an afternoon at the patio at Dunkin' Donuts, looking at all the infractions in view, and saying that the cops could clean up if they ticketed everyone breaking the rules.
I was at Burger King the other day, watching the mooks push on the door marked "Pull," and saw this mook park his vehicle on a one lane street while he came inside and got a burger. He did a lot of milling around, looking up and down the street, as well.

Fucking mook.
As I was eating, another mook on a delivery scooter made his way up the sidewalk. Why use the road, right?

Here, he has parked his cycle in order to block the sidewalk and force pedestrians out on the road.
Fucking mook.

Here's a delivery truck, parked sort of in a bus stop, forcing the buses to edge around him, taking up two lanes of traffic.
Fucking mook.

This is pretty typical of the way mooks park in this country; up on the sidewalk. You can find them everywhere you go.
Fucking mook.

This is an example of the street near my con-apt, with mooks parked on both sides, narrowing it down to one lane, forcing any cars that meet to back up or give way.
Fucking mooks.

This asshole exhibits the tactic that fucking drives me nuts - parking on a corner. Not only is he blocking the door to the building, and parked facing the wrong way, but his ass is sticking out into traffic; anyone going around the corner has to make an extra wide turn to go around him. But the fucking mooks will park on a corner every time, even when there're spaces in the middle of the block.
Fucking mooks.

Here's another mook doing exactly the same thing.
Fucking mook.

While I was taking the above photo, another mook parked on the opposite side of the street, also facing the wrong way. Mooks don't care if they do this, even if it means they have to park out in the lane of traffic so they can get their door open.
Fucking mooks.
And I get a fucking ticket?!

Mook of the Week

These photos are from a while ago. Stig and I were having lunch at a noodle restaurant. When we saw one .... two ... three mooks.

First this mook in pajamas with an IV in him was walking up and down the street. Not on the sidewalk mind you. On the street. Sometimes in the middle of the road. At times he would carry the IV in one hand while other times he laid it on his head. He had come out of the building across the street from our restaurant which has a "hospital" in it.

For those who haven't lived in Korea, or haven't learned yet, any place a doctor is at is called a hospital by Koreans. It can be one doctor, a clinic, or an actual hospital. They call all of them the hospital. It can be confusing for those who know the proper English terms.

Then along comes a she-mook in an SUV. She parks in front of the entrance to an underground parking lot.

Then we notice the pajama IV mook is heading to the SUV. It turns out she was coming to meet him. And what do we see? What the kimchi is that? She has a BABY strapped to her back! She is driving an SUV like a fucking moron ... errr mook ... and has a BABY between her and the driver's seat! What the fu ... errr kimchi?!?!? I have seen this stupidity with Korean's in the back seat (which is bloody horrible on its own) but not in the front! Accidents are common in Korea, because they drive like mooks. One idiot rear ends her, or she rear ends someone, and the kid is screwed. Bloody mooks!

Then along comes a stupid old bat driving a car. She sees that the she-mook has the best parking spot on the street so she has to try and out mook her. She uses the sidewalk to park on and leaves the ass end of her car blocking the entrance to an underground parking lot. What the kimchi?!? Is it a mook convention? A contest to see who is the biggest mook?

Now the 1st mook is in a quandry. A car wants out of the underground parking lot she is blocking. She has to move her SUV. What to do? What to do? She moved about 3 meters to block ANOTHER underground parking lot entrance. Once that car is out ... she backs up and blocks that entrance again. What a bizzy ditch!

Nopw the Pajamma IV mook saunters back up to the SUV with his IV bag on his head. He is meeting mommy moron. She gets out, still blocking the other entrance, and gives him the kid. He heads off into the building he came out of. Kid in his arms, IV bag on his head, IV tube within reach of the kid. She gets back into the SUV and drives off.

All in all the Mook Family Kim blocked the road and parking lots for 15+ minutes.

Then Granny Moron comes back to her car. She realizes that she still has to out-mook the Mook family to win the Stupidity Sweepstakes. So she backs out into the street and sits there blocking traffic for a good 5 minutes. And it wasn't blocking an empty road the whole time. Someone had the bad luck of having to sit behind this mook for a few minutes.

Sorry Granny but you still lose. A dumb bitch driving an SUV with a kid strapped to her back trumps just about any stupidity you could pull.

This street is now referred to as Mook Alley.

What the ... parking lot?!?!?

When we were moving our school to the new floor I found out something interesting. Our building has a parking lot on the roof. A special car elevator brings your car up. There are about 12 spaces for cars to park. There is even a handicapped parking spot. Yet none of my co-workers, or anyone else in the building, uses them.

When asked why this was so I was given a brief history of building regulations in South Korea. Basically the new buildings MUST all having parking. Whether it is underground, ground level, or on the roof. The underground spots are the most expensive to make. Many new buildings have a ground level parking lot and the offices/shops start on the second floor. (I always wondered why the hell they made buildings like that. A lot of the restaurants have parking on the 1st level.) Some put it on the roof.

Those who put it on the roof usually do this to circumvent the law. They put it in place but never allow it to be used. Whether, like our building owner, they say the elevator broke down and never fix it. (They never actually used it, the owner just said it didn't work from day 1.) Or they say the cars cracked the building a bit so it is unsafe. Evidently the government never checks to see if these claims are false or not. So, Koreans just ignore the law.

Am I surprised? Hell no.